Finding Authentic Confidence from Within

Confidence isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach, and it definitely doesn’t always look like being the loudest in the room. In this episode, Hero Cait deMello shares her evolving relationship with confidence, breaking down the difference between external validation and genuine self-trust. Through personal stories, vulnerable insights, and a refreshing honesty about self-doubt, Cait redefines what it means to be “confident” — not as a performance, but as a quiet, grounded sense of self. Whether you’re outgoing, reserved, or somewhere in between, this episode will help you explore where your confidence truly comes from — and how to nurture it from within.

What You Will Learn

• [00:02:10]  How confidence can coexist with social anxiety.
  
  
• [00:03:45]  The impact of people-pleasing on self-worth.
  
  
• [00:05:18]  Why is being loud or outgoing not the same as being confident?
  
  
• [00:06:40]  How childhood experiences shaped Cait’s understanding of confidence.
  
  
• [00:08:55]  The difference between external validation and internal self-trust.
  
  
• [00:10:42]  How over-apologizing signals a lack of confidence.
  
  
• [00:12:11]  The importance of learning to sit with discomfort.
  
  
• [00:14:05]  Why confidence is a practice, not a fixed trait.
  
  
• [00:15:30]  How to recognize when confidence is rooted in fear.
  
  
• [00:17:20]  Why it's okay not to have all the answers.
  
  
  

Standout Quotes

• “Confidence doesn’t mean being the loudest person in the room. It means trusting that you belong in the room — even if you’re quiet.” – [00:05:25]
• “For a long time, my confidence was performative. It was more about being liked than being myself.” – [00:09:10]
• “I’ve learned that true confidence is actually really quiet. It’s not flashy — it’s peaceful.” – [00:13:32]
• “Sometimes, confidence is just showing up anyway, even when you’re scared or unsure.” – [00:15:00]

Resources Mentioned

• The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt (Book)
• Unlocking Us with Brené Brown (Podcast)

Let’s Connect!
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Cait deMello

Website | LinkedIn | Instagram

Chandler Stroud

Website | LinkedIn | Instagram

Mixing and editing provided by Next Day Podcast.

Transcript

THH: Cait - Finding Authentic Confidence From Within

[00:00:00] Chandler Stroud: Hey guys, it's Chandler and welcome to the Healing Heroes. I promise you,

[00:00:08] I'm Chandler Stroud, an executive wife and busy mom of two who after years of living with anxiety health struggles and an unshakeable feeling like I should be happier, made a profound discovery that changed everything. Join me on a journey where unexpected paths lead to healing and more happiness. On this show, we will explore unconventional ways to unlock more joy in your own life.

[00:00:38] With the help of my very own healers and trusted advisors, the healing heroes.

[00:00:48] Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode today. I am so thrilled to have hero and confidence coach Cait Dello back with us. We had such a great conversation last time on Inner Child Work. Yes, I said it. I know may, some of you may think that that sounds a little woowoo, but it was such a enlightening and impactful conversation that we wanted to go a level deeper with you all today and really bring it to life in a new and different way that is also really important to that kind of work.

[00:01:25] So I cannot. Emphasize enough how critically important and effective it is to go back and nurture those younger parts of yourself that didn't get what he or she needed. I often recognize and reference Dr. Russell Kennedy's work, author of the New York Times bestselling book, anxiety Rx. He's a medical doctor who had such crippling anxiety for so many years that he had to actually close his practice, but ultimately healed himself of his anxiety, and now has helped.

[00:02:00] Millions of others by highlighting the root cause of these anxious feelings, which he describes as a separation of mind and body and as a result of childhood wounding. I found his work particularly fascinating and have since begun that work for myself with the help and support of Hero Cait, which is why today.

[00:02:22] I am so excited to dive back into this space and help you all feel less anxious by accessing those parts of yourself that perhaps unbeknownst to you may need to be acknowledged, nurtured, and loved first. Let me quickly offer a refresher on Cait's background for anybody who is new here. Joining us today, Cait DeMello is a confidence and empowerment coach who describes herself as an inner power activator on a mission to help women return home to the power that resides within.

[00:02:57] She's a in counseling and is certified in 20 plus coaching modalities, including inner child. Parts work and breath work. Cait, I am so excited to have you back again. Thank you for joining us today. I always love these conversations. I'm so happy to be here. Chandler. Oh, well we love them too. Me in particular because I always learn so much from you and it's really interesting.

[00:03:22] The more of this kind of work I do, the more I realize that it really does come back to learning. To love yourself from within. And in order to do that, you have to go back to those hurt parts and really heal them. And I mean, for me, vast majority of the time, those hurt parts are the younger parts of myself.

[00:03:42] The childhood me that was either bullied or abused or whatever the case may have been. We talk a lot about small T traumas as well, those traumas that maybe aren't life threatening, but that give you that kind of nervous system response like. Being left out of a group of friends, right, or feeling abandoned or left behind by someone.

[00:04:06] Those types of experiences really stay with you and whether you're aware of the traumas that you experienced as a child and maybe unfortunately had some of those big T traumas we referenced in the pilot episode of the show, or simply those small t traumas. And so I am very excited to go back and unearth the power of these practices with Cait so that all of you can start trying this on your own at home.

[00:04:32] I've really loved doing this work alongside you to go back and really unearth where I may be carrying or harboring sadness or grief or loneliness from some of my childhood experiences because it's been so powerful to try and give myself what I needed back then. So. I loved our inner child conversation.

[00:04:54] I loved our breath work conversation. And so now to be able to focus on inner parts is just like next level we're taking it to like we've done the 1 0 1. This is like the 1 0 2. 

[00:05:06] Cait DeMello: Yes, it is. And what's so cool about this too is there are certain things about parts that. Almost every single person who listens to this is gonna be like, oh yeah, that's me.

[00:05:16] So it'll be so relevant to the vast majority of people out there. And I'm sure everyone's heard the term inner critic. Your inner critic is one of your parts. So we're gonna be going into all of that today. And so. Basically what we're really talking about today is the parts of you that were formed to protect that inner child.

[00:05:37] So this is how it kind of shows up and you know the things that you probably are a little bit more aware of but don't know what to do with. So today is a perfect follow up to the last conversation. If anybody is still kind of like, wait, what's the inner child? Go back and listen to that one as well and you'll have the full picture.

[00:05:56] And so today we're gonna talk about those parts. 

[00:05:58] Chandler Stroud: Love that. I can't wait for this conversation. Cait, just to start, can you just give our listeners, especially our new listeners, a quick overview of what you do. Like what is a confidence and empowerment coach? What does that mean? 

[00:06:13] Cait DeMello: Yes. Oh my God, I love that question.

[00:06:14] So you know, we covered this I believe in Artero episode. We were talking about confidence at first and how we have this idea of confidence being a little bit more. Bravado esque and this mask that we put on. I mean, everyone says fake it till you make it, right? Oh, yeah. So, yeah, exactly. Everybody knows that, and I'm like, yeah, we don't do that.

[00:06:32] In my line of work, what we do is we really get to the root cause of why you're feeling confident so that you don't have to fake it. You can actually feel it. When I work with women, I help them uncover and unearth the reasons why they're not feeling confident. And so I have kind of like four I, I kind of call 'em like four foundations or branches in my framework.

[00:06:51] So what we do is we really work on your nervous system regulation because as you've learned in the inner child episode in breath work, and we'll talk about it even here a little bit, your nervous system by the age of about seven to 12 is like that window of solidification. And so your nervous system kind of.

[00:07:09] Solidifies, I guess, or just forms, like fully forms with certain imprints, and those imprints show up in your behavior. So the nervous system is closely linked to the limbic system, which is, you know, your memories, your behaviors, your thoughts, all of that stuff. We do nervous system regulation work because.

[00:07:27] You need to regulate your nervous system to understand what safety is and to understand that the certain things in your life that you learned that your nervous system learned weren't safe back as a child. So again, we're going back to childhood. You have to kind of reteach yourself that it's safe. In your nervous system.

[00:07:43] So not just telling yourself it's safe, but really feeling safe, experiencing difficult things. So we do nervous system regulation. We also do limiting belief rewiring, so we get an understanding of the beliefs that are kind of attached to that nervous system and to your behaviors. Get an understanding of what's operating in the background in terms of those beliefs.

[00:08:04] And we. Uncover them and rewire them. That's the second piece. The third piece is the inner child and parts work. So this is reshaping that relationship that you have with yourself so that you can start to be kinder to yourself. You can start to love yourself through the difficulty instead of having to avoid it or put it off and procrastinate, you know, all of that stuff.

[00:08:24] And then the last piece of it is really coming home to your values and really redefining for yourself what your values are. Because when you take action like. People pleasing. And we are all, you know, we all do things like that. People pleasing, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, all of that stuff. What you're really doing there is placing your value on other people's opinions, ideas, thoughts, and perspectives of you.

[00:08:48] Mm-hmm. And so what we do is we really recenter you into what you truly desire to value in your life. So those are kinda like the four anchors and what that actually. Does with my clients is it helps you start to take action on what you wanna take action on. It helps you start to turn overwhelm into ease.

[00:09:06] It helps you start turn procrastination into productivity. And if you're overproductive, it helps you turn that into peace. And so it really helps you shift that relationship you have with yourself. So you can start to be the person you wanna be and create the life you actually wanna live. 

[00:09:22] Chandler Stroud: I love that.

[00:09:23] That was super clear. Thank you for running us through that. I think it's really cool to think about just the progression and process that you go through in helping women find this kind of inner confidence. It's very, very cool. Cait, you touched on this briefly in your previous answer, but can you just explain to listeners what parts work is and what it entails?

[00:09:44] Cait DeMello: Yeah, absolutely. So, parts work, it's also known as IFS or Internal Family Systems, and it's, it's this modality that's used in therapeutic settings, in coaching, in different arenas that helps you to kind of understand your inner world in a way that allows you to connect with it in a different way. So what that means is it basically explains your inner workings.

[00:10:08] Oftentimes it shows up in the way that you're thinking. Mm-hmm. It explains your inner workings in a way of having different parts that are coming forward at any given time. And the best way to describe this is kind of like what I was saying earlier, is when you have something like an inner critic or a saboteur, you know when when you self sabotage and you call, you say that you have like, I have this inner saboteur that just.

[00:10:32] Gets in the way, or I have this inner critic that won't shut up, you know? And so the way that it was formed, and I think that so many people will resonate with this, is Richard Schwartz, who actually created it with his clients. What he would start to see in them is. They would have this inner dialogue going, part of me wants to do this, but part of me wants to do this, or part of me doesn't want to.

[00:10:56] And so he started exploring those different parts. And so if anybody has had that inner monologue of like, oh, part of me wants to just up and quit my job, but I don't know, there's another part of me that's like, I like this safety and security. Or who hasn't, right? I mean, all 

[00:11:12] Chandler Stroud: of us. Right, 

[00:11:13] Cait DeMello: right. I know. And so, so.

[00:11:16] It really explores that inner world within you that oftentimes is creating turmoil. And so what it does is it, it helps you just look at that inner critic in a different way and understand. Its actual role because we look at an inner critic and that voice in our head, oh my God, you're so stupid. How could you do that?

[00:11:37] You messed up again. Why did you have to do that? Oh, you said it that way. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. All of that stuff. I'm sure that just kind of ex exemplifies everybody's inner monologue. That voice is actually playing a particular role that. It had to play in order to keep you safe as a kid. 

[00:12:00] Chandler Stroud: I mean, that's like, I can't wait to get into this.

[00:12:02] I need to understand how this all works, but I like, I get it. I mean, I get it in theory. It's like a protector of this inner vulnerable. Child, this part of you, but like the stuff that you referenced, like Yeah, we do that all day every day. The way we talk to ourself and the way our behaviors demonstrate an inner critic type monologue or self-sabotage.

[00:12:24] Which sidebar? I just did an episode with Katie on self-sabotage and I think it's gonna come out Justin. So check that out guys. If you're interested in inner critic and self-sabotage, like there's a whole conversation on that as well to compliment this discussion today. But that's really cool and.

[00:12:40] That's just really cool. 

[00:12:42] Cait DeMello: Yeah. Well, I think that's perfect because what we'll talk about today is really like how to change that interaction with them because all, a lot of the literature out there is get rid of the inner critic and stop self sabotaging, and there's just so much harsh dialogue around those inner voices that.

[00:13:01] Everybody's familiar with, and it's almost like kill off that part of you that's like ruining your life. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And so this, this has a completely different approach where it's like we're actually not trying to get rid of it. We're trying to understand its role and, and what it thinks its role is.

[00:13:21] How it formed and why it formed. And then what we're trying to do is give it a different role. So it's a, it's a different approach than your typical, I guess, that like harsh coaching of just ignore that inner voice or just tell it to go away or just suppress it, you know, all of that stuff. And instead it's like, okay, give it a voice and just allow it to express how it's trying to protect you.

[00:13:45] Because every single one of our parts is a protective. Part, and it is protecting us in some way from something that we're afraid of. 

[00:13:53] Chandler Stroud: How do these parts develop? I mean, what roles do they typically play in our lives? 

[00:13:58] Cait DeMello: Okay, so everyone has parts. It's just the way that kind of like the way that our mind works and all of them have roles, but what happens is when we are kids, they are forced into these protective roles.

[00:14:12] So they kind of get a little bit warped or, or they kind of adjust themselves to uphold whatever status quo needs to be upheld within you. And so what. The three main parts that we typically talk about are what I was talking about when I was saying the protector parts. Those are called the managers and so, mm-hmm.

[00:14:32] So the managers are trying to maintain control over the internal environment and sometimes the external environment too. And what they're doing is trying to prevent what's called an exile from surfacing. So the three parts I'm gonna talk about are the managers that we're really typically familiar with, the inner critic, the judge, all of that stuff.

[00:14:49] The exiles. And that's kind of like the, the inner child part, so I'll get into that in just a minute. And then the firefighters, the exiles, these are essentially inner children. So these are the parts that are holding onto painful emotions, painful memories, different traumas, capital in lowercase T.

[00:15:07] And so what happens is we often suppress those and hide them. Essentially what we're doing is we're trying to avoid having to experience and feel the feelings that. That we experienced when that part was formed. Hmm. So, okay, that's clear. Yes. So the managers, the way that I like to think of it is almost like an avocado in a pit.

[00:15:29] And so the manager is kind of like the meat around the avocado and the pit is like the exile. Cool. 

[00:15:36] Chandler Stroud: Okay. I love that visual. We love some good metaphors, analogies, visuals on this show. That was great. 

[00:15:44] Cait DeMello: Yes. And so we know what the manager is typically, and we'll, we'll call it our inner critic. We'll say it's the inner judge.

[00:15:50] We'll, we'll actually kind of give voice to that because we're really aware of that voice in our head. And if you're not, sometimes. You may wanna just kind of take a pause and if you are feeling stuck, if you're constantly feeling frustrated, if you're constantly chastising yourself for the way that you're showing up, for doing the wrong thing, all that stuff, that's the inner critic.

[00:16:07] That's the inner voice, and it's just trying to keep you in line, and it's trying to protect that exile from experiencing. What it experienced when it was formed. 

[00:16:19] Chandler Stroud: Okay. 

[00:16:19] Cait DeMello: Which would be, you know a lack of safety, a lack of control, a lack of approval. And so those are kind of like the base. I know 

[00:16:25] Chandler Stroud: those three feelings incredibly well.

[00:16:27] Thank you for reminding me. 

[00:16:29] Cait DeMello: Yeah. Yeah. Those are kind of like the base wounds and like, almost, almost all of the wounds that you can kind of think of, like those core wounds, they stem from not having safety, not having approval, not having control. 

[00:16:40] Chandler Stroud: I need like a. Not a t-shirt or a bumper sticker. With that, it's not very motivating, but it's also helpful to remember like, these are the things we're trying to overcome every day, right?

[00:16:50] Cait DeMello: Yeah. And so it's like at any given time, do I need safety? Do I need approval, or do I need control right now? So it's, it's really helpful. 

[00:16:57] Chandler Stroud: Oh, that's, yeah, it's 

[00:16:58] Cait DeMello: very helpful. It's very oversimplified, so please know, you know, it's sometimes that's a little too oversimplified, but it really helps you to all of everything that you're doing.

[00:17:07] Chandler, everything we talk about is just about understanding yourself a little bit more, because with understanding comes compassion and the less understanding that we have, the less compassionate we are. So, you know, if that helps you to understand that, oh my gosh, every time I go to do some work, I.

[00:17:24] Get up and have to organize my room. I'm looking for some form of control. Hmm. Every time I go to post on Instagram, you know, and I, I put this cheesy message and then I cringe afterwards. It's because I'm posting for approval. It's not because I'm posting just for me, you know? And every time I am avoiding going out to those nights out with friends, you know, I, I.

[00:17:46] Don't even realize it, but I'm actually thinking back to that one time that I was ignored all night long and so I didn't feel safe. 

[00:17:54] Chandler Stroud: Those are great examples and I would think very relevant for a lot of our listeners. 

[00:18:00] Cait DeMello: Yes, it, it really can be. And so that's kind of how it shows up. And so just going back real, real quick we have the managers, which are those protective parts, so that's kind of like our behaviors that show up.

[00:18:12] In protective mode, and then, and it's so, it's like this, this quote unquote part of us that takes over and makes the decisions so that we can protect the inner child from the exposure to whatever it might be. 

[00:18:25] Chandler Stroud: The scary thing, okay. Yes. Got it. 

[00:18:28] Cait DeMello: So then the third part that's typically talked about and we'll, we probably won't go into it too much today, is called the firefighter.

[00:18:35] And so the firefighter is a very reactive part that acts impulsively and this tends to be something like substance use and abuse, overeating, distractions, disa, disassociation. And so that's when the exile is real quick to being exposed and we gotta just kind of like put out that fire real quick. And so we, we need to really just.

[00:18:57] Exit anything that could possibly reveal that exile. So those are the three main roles. Typically, we see managers in exiles and then firefighters. You know, if, if you are noticing yourself leaning on certain things like 

[00:19:12] Chandler Stroud: alcohol? 

[00:19:13] Cait DeMello: Yeah. Oh yeah. 

[00:19:15] Chandler Stroud: I mean, yeah, everyone, they've had a really tough day or a tough conversation with a friend or relative.

[00:19:19] They're like, I need a drink. I need to escape this feeling of just marinating in the discomfort of that conversation and emotion. I mean, that's absolutely how I used to be. It still is. I don't even, I can't even say, used to be, I mean, the day my father passed, we all went back to my brother's house and I had a, like at least one, if not two martinis.

[00:19:40] He's a bartender and makes fantastic martinis. But it was my first drink in like, I don't know, six or eight months. It was crazy. For the weeks that followed, it was like nightly martini, let's do it. It was an escape. It really was. It was an escape. It was like, I didn't feel like feeling all those feelings.

[00:19:55] I just wanted to, yeah. Relax and ignore them for a little longer. 

[00:20:00] Cait DeMello: Yeah. And I mean, honestly, sometimes it's the medicine we give out to others like, oh, you had a hard day. Go get yourself a drink. You know? So. Yeah. So true. And it's, it's so typical. It's so, it's, it's relatively normalized, you know, which doesn't make it necessarily okay.

[00:20:15] But if you do find that you are leaning on that as you are nightly unwind and you feel like it's something that you're having a difficult time. Pulling back from, you gotta look under the hood. 

[00:20:29] Chandler Stroud: Yeah. You 

[00:20:29] Cait DeMello: know, you gotta check in with yourself gently and lovingly and compassionately. And what typically happens is.

[00:20:36] In parts work, you'll have something like a firefighter or an inner critic and that comes up and it's protecting the exile because the exile doesn't wanna feel what it it's gonna feel. And then you start judging the judger and judging the critic. And then it's this whole cycle of like, well, why did I have to do that?

[00:20:52] And now why do I even have to think this way? Why is this, you know, and it's like this, this whole cycle. And so until you really start to just sit with those. Parts of you understand what they're protecting you from, and really learn how to interact with them with more compassion. Instead of silencing them, ignoring them, avoiding them.

[00:21:14] You really create this different relationship with yourself within yourself. 

[00:21:20] Chandler Stroud: I love that you're saying it that way, and it's so true. It's actually. Reminding me of a recent experience I had that I did reference in my last conversation with Jacques, having had acupuncture just before an EMDR session with Jen.

[00:21:36] I was a lot more out of my mind and in my body as I often am leaving acupuncture. And she said something to me, she said a million times before that never landed. And it was basically like, you know, my whole life I've been known as this kind of control freak in my family. And she's told me before like, your, your tendency to want and need control is just you trying to get your needs met.

[00:22:01] Previously I had been like, well. I don't, who cares about my needs? Like I'm supposed to care about my kids and friends and people around me. Like I just didn't hit right. But once I had taken a step back and like dropped into my body, I heard that totally differently. And it's exactly what you're saying.

[00:22:19] It's like this negative trait about myself that I had always acknowledged and said, yeah, I like control, but I don't like that I need control. I wish I were more laid back. Suddenly became this like, oh, I was. Just trying to get love or a hug or help with my homework or like, you know, I needed food. I was hungry in that moment, like whatever, however the control manifested, it was to fulfill a need that wasn't being met.

[00:22:49] And when I could see it in that light, it was like this armor came down and I had so much more compassion for myself in those moments where I just feel like I need to control my environment. And so that's just one example of what you're talking about, that being able to shift from this negative place into a place of understanding.

[00:23:12] Just helps you love yourself in such a different way. 

[00:23:18] Cait DeMello: Yeah. Yeah. I, I thank you so much for, for sharing that too, because I think personal experience just helps connect us all even more, and it really helps for everyone to be like, oh God, yeah, me too. You know? And there's, there's no better feeling than to feel seen like that, so Yeah.

[00:23:36] It's always so helpful. And give yourself 

[00:23:37] Chandler Stroud: some grace. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like, I. Okay. Yeah. Everyone has needs. They gotta be met. 

[00:23:44] Cait DeMello: Yeah. 

[00:23:45] Chandler Stroud: Even your kids, it translates to them too. 

[00:23:47] Cait DeMello: Oh my God. A thousand percent. A thousand percent. And you can even use some of this stuff with your kids, like, oh, hey, you know, you're being really hard on yourself.

[00:23:54] Is there, you know, like, and help them name a part of them that's coming forward. So all of this stuff, like once you start to kind of do it with yourself and, and learn it and learn how to trust yourself through it, because that's what really this is all about. You can start. Helping your kids to learn how to interact with themselves a different way as well, and they're like, Ooh, mommy's judger coming out.

[00:24:17] You know, if you, if you make a, like, I remember as a kid, I would love helping my mom get ready for it. There was this like Christmas ball that she would go to, and she meant nothing by it. But there would be sometimes where I'd hear her say, oh God, I'm so fat. Or like, you know, things like that. Of course, we, we've all said that, don't think about it.

[00:24:31] Right? 

[00:24:32] Chandler Stroud: Mm-hmm. 

[00:24:32] Cait DeMello: And so even if you slip up like that as a parent and you say something in front of your child and you don't even realize it, you be like, oh, you know, that was mommy's judger coming up. And you know, sometimes that happens and you know, things like that. And just like help them understand that sometimes we do have negative thoughts about ourselves and here's how we, here's how we shift out of it.

[00:24:48] Here's how we treat ourselves when that happens. Here's how we understand that it's not actually true. It's just a voice. And so we can start to help kids. To do that as well. 

[00:24:58] Chandler Stroud: I love that. And I actually think we've just brainstormed our part three of this conversation to help parents, moms in particular, really foster this kind of self-compassion and understanding in their kids.

[00:25:10] I think it would be a really powerful conversation. So you guys heard it here first. That's coming at some point. 

[00:25:15] Cait DeMello: So I'm gonna talk about, there's one main, main piece of parts work that because parts work is all about reestablishing trust in the adult version of you to take the wheel. That's really like the, the crux of it.

[00:25:30] And so the reason is these manager parts. If you, if I were to walk you through a parts work, exercise and really take you to meet your parts we may ask that part. How old do you think I am? Meaning. You, the person I'm walking you through, the adult version of you, usually that is a single digit number, and so the part thinks that there's a child in charge, so it needs to parenty itself in order to.

[00:25:56] Correct the situation. What Richard Schwartz has found in all of his work with all of these various clients is that every person that he's worked with has this healed part that is able to heal its parts, and that's called the self capital S self. And so what we do is we have the self. Meet with the parts, the exiles and the firefighters.

[00:26:21] So you do this whole self-healing because you know what you need. And so it's this really beautiful way of reminding the body that you, the adult version of you. Are capable, are in charge. Know how to meet your own needs. You know how to change your relationship with yourself. You know how to be there for yourself, and you really learn how to do that because when all of these parts were formed, there was no one doing that for you.

[00:26:50] And so you either didn't have safety control or approval. And so you had to form, you had to evolve these parts to create that. So it's a really, really cool system that has this almost like per internal parental figure that you automatically know it can have some spiritual essences. If, if you believe in God, you can have it kind of be like, this is my soul speaking.

[00:27:15] You can, you can look at it in whatever way, but it is there. It is there within all of us. 

[00:27:21] Chandler Stroud: That's so fascinating. How do listeners know who that self part is? How can they find it? 

[00:27:27] Cait DeMello: If I were guiding someone through this, what I would first do is I would walk them through a little bit of a visualization meditation that would drop them into their body and really connect with that self.

[00:27:38] So I like to do energetic release practices where I'll say, you know, let ask your body to let go of anything that you no longer want present, and really call forward those seven attributes. And so. Once they feel that in their body, they know. 

[00:27:55] Chandler Stroud: So can you just clarify for listeners what is the self, 

[00:27:59] Cait DeMello: it is kind of hard to describe because it is a little bit of an inner knowing.

[00:28:05] Mm-hmm. And it's. The healed version of us that exists within us, so everyone has access to their most healed self. Some people call it highest self. Some people call it truest self or real self, but what it is, is it's essentially the seven Cs of parts worker IFS, and it's compassion, curiosity, calm, clarity, courage, connectedness, confidence.

[00:28:32] And creativity. And so when you're in that state, you're open, you're curious, you're willing to understand, you're looking to connect you. You have the courage to really understand and find out what's going on. And so we all have access to that part of us, and it is within us. And so, you know, what I would say is if you really wanna play around with this.

[00:28:56] You can do your own little practice of seeing if you can call that part of you forward. Just like we can call forward any emotion we want at any time. If we're in like a cool, calm, collected place, you know, you can really get yourself into 

[00:29:10] Chandler Stroud: this state and I highly recommend some of the somatic practices we talk about on the show to get yourself there.

[00:29:16] If it's not working, just sitting and meditating, since I know that can be really hard for so many. So many of us who are so busy and really struggle to just quiet our minds. 

[00:29:26] Cait DeMello: So just to recap, the way that parts work actually works is you really get in touch with and in tune with your capital S self. So you get into that compassionate, curious, clear, calm state, and then what you do is you call forward the part, whichever part it is.

[00:29:42] I was working with a client the other day and she had a productivity part and. What was happening was it was fulfilling its role dutifully because there was this underlying belief that was formed when she was, I believe she was a teenager at the time where it was, if I'm not doing something, I don't have value.

[00:30:05] And so this productivity part was. Kind of getting in the way of her spending time with herself and, and being with herself and doing the meditation and reading like she really likes to do. And instead, it was kind of tricking her into being productive by adding things onto her plate and different things like that.

[00:30:19] So what we do is we get her into that capitalist self. So we get her into that. Clear, calm, collected place we call forward that productivity part. We get an understanding of how it's protecting her. What's its highest intention for her, how does it think it's doing that, and really kind of work through that process.

[00:30:40] And then. If the part is willing and, and if the exile shows up, we then work with the exile to meet the unmet need. And then once we meet with the exile and we provide what it needs, we try to unburden it with what it's been carrying, and then we bring that. Part back in to kind of close everything out and see if the part is willing or wants to take on a new role.

[00:31:05] And so then that part gets to say, yeah, I'm exhausted. I don't wanna be this productive. And so, and so that's kind of like the whole process in, in a very succinct, overly simplified nutshell. 

[00:31:18] Chandler Stroud: No, that's really helpful. I think just to have the high, the high level overview of that, because it still sounds like.

[00:31:24] It's a journey, right? Like it is a progression, it's a process. There's a lot of work that I think the person has to do to really be open to one, getting into that place of self. But then two, identifying those parts and being able to have that dialogue internally with them, so it's not. The easiest thing I'm guessing, but it's, I mean, I've been there with you doing some of this work, and I can tell you it's incredibly impactful.

[00:31:54] Cait DeMello: Yeah. And sometimes it can be a little tricky to start in terms of just sometimes wrapping your head around it all. But once you really do tap into that capital s self. You, you really can play around with it. It becomes a lifestyle. Mm-hmm. It becomes like a way of life that you you can check in with your parts in the morning, how we doing today?

[00:32:12] Who's overactive, who's, you know, who needs a little attention today? You know, and you really can start to make it part of the way that you live and interact with yourself. 

[00:32:22] Chandler Stroud: It sounds probably so strange to someone who's never done that kind of work before, to like have these kinds of conversations within yourself.

[00:32:30] Not just with yourself, but with your younger self, and then to name the behaviors that you're exhibiting as parts of you and how they all play together. I know it's a lot to ingest. I would say if you're a listener coming to this work for the first time, I. I promise if you can stay open-minded about it and really just dip your toe in and see what you can uncover and get curious about.

[00:32:56] I really believe that it is like the most effective way to feel differently in your everyday present life. It's really amazing. How we carry a lot of those things with us that we just don't realize. And yeah, going back and doing this kind of work can be really powerful, really impactful. 

[00:33:16] Cait DeMello: Yeah, and if there's anybody who's like, I don't know if I get that whole process, just start with noticing your thoughts and just start with noticing, naming and acknowledging.

[00:33:24] That's super simple. Notice name and acknowledge. So if you are someone who's really struggling with negative self-talk and you're aware of that, just start noticing it. Then maybe give it a name. You can call it a critic. You can call it a judge, you can call it Cindy. You can call it whatever you want.

[00:33:41] You can even ask it what it wants to be called. So notice name and then acknowledge, okay, you're, you're doing a real good job today. Like you are really doing great today. You know, and it's really just cultivating gratitude for what it is. But yeah, so notice name and acknowledge, and that's just a simple, simple, simple way that you can start to.

[00:34:03] Have that curiosity that you can start to release a little bit and relinquish a little bit so that you don't get so caught up in the spiral. And so, you know, I really encourage people if if this does feel a little overwhelming. 'cause remember this is a process that I guide people through. So that's what I'm explaining right now.

[00:34:22] So if you are like, all right, maybe, maybe I do know the inner critic. I know the inner judge. I've sabotaged, you know, I know all that stuff. Just get quiet. Just notice what are the different thoughts that are coming up. See if you can just kind of create a little space in between you and those thoughts, just a little bit of space so that you're actually noticing them.

[00:34:43] All right. And then name it and acknowledge it. All right. Thank you. Thank you. We're good. I got this. And then that's a very simple way that you can just shift how you are being with yourself. All of these parts have a positive intention. To keep you safe. And you made the reference like, thank you for calling me dumb.

[00:35:07] You know, it's, and which is a silly thing because it's like we do call ourselves dumb all the time. All the time. Like, stop eating 

[00:35:12] Chandler Stroud: so much. Like, what? That was so stupid. Why'd you say that? Or like, why didn't you do this earlier? Or, 

[00:35:17] Cait DeMello: yes. 

[00:35:18] Chandler Stroud: You know, like those are the things we say to ourselves. 

[00:35:20] Cait DeMello: Yes. And if you're struggling with that, like, thank you for calling me stupid.

[00:35:25] It's really just thank you for protecting me. Thank you for protecting me from feeling embarrassed. Thank you for protecting me from making a fool of myself. Thank you for protecting me from getting yelled at or me thinking I might get yelled at, because those are all of the things that it's protecting you from.

[00:35:42] Chandler Stroud: Mm. 

[00:35:43] Cait DeMello: It's really protecting you from the response that you think you are going to get that you also think you can't handle. 

[00:35:50] Chandler Stroud: So well said. That's beautifully said. Very clear. Okay. Thank you for that, Cait. What's one small but impactful exercise our listeners can try today to connect with their protector parts?

[00:36:04] Cait DeMello: Yeah, I think the first thing that they could do today is the. Notice name and acknowledge and just play around with that and practice that. If there is anyone who does wanna take it a little bit deeper, there is a workbook out there. It's called Parts Work, an Illustrated Guide To Your Inner Life. For anyone who's watching there is.

[00:36:23] Picture of it. And if you wanna go even further and you're like, oh my God, I'm such a nerd, just like you, Cait, you can, you can read Richard Schwartz's book, no Bad Parts, and it can really help you understand the different roles of the different parts and how to access the self and all of that stuff.

[00:36:39] But really, if you, if you just wanna start with a simple practice, you know, notice name and, and acknowledge. 

[00:36:46] Chandler Stroud: I love that. That's very accessible for listeners, so thanks for offering that. What are some common protector parts that people might recognize in themselves? For instance, the perfectionist, the people pleaser or the inner critic, as you've already noted.

[00:36:59] Cait DeMello: Yeah, absolutely. So you did name a couple, I think you said perfectionist people, pleaser, inner critic. There's just straight up protector. Sometimes there's something called. I called it the productivity part with my client, but sometimes it can be the task master or the overachiever. Mm. There can be the controller part, so, you know, stay in control of situations.

[00:37:19] You know, it's kind of like the foreman at the scene of a crime or something like that. There's the procrastinator. We're all familiar with the procrastinator, and that is a part, you know, and there's that, there's the skeptic. If you are someone who's questioning things, skeptical about things, you know, a contrarian, different things like that, there's an optimist, the eternal optimist, who's only looking at the positive and only looking at the bright side and not letting themselves see, you know, the reality of the situation.

[00:37:48] And then there is the saboteur. So, you know. The, typically the inner critic, the judge, those are like the, the main puppeteers within. So that would be the best place to kind of start and really work with. But you know, if you are just noticing the way that you're showing up isn't really working for you, 

[00:38:08] Chandler Stroud: what happens if you have all of those protector parts?

[00:38:11] Cait DeMello: First of all, take a deep breath. It's totally fine. It's totally fine. It doesn't mean that you're completely messed up. It just means you got a lot of voices that are happening. You've got a lot of different ways of controlling yourself, of managing your situation, and so, and of protecting yourself. So first and foremost.

[00:38:30] You are a very skilled human being at maintaining homeostasis. Like, let's, let's first acknowledge that like you have developed a lot of skills that at one point in time kept you wildly safe and got you what you needed. Like bravo, you did what you needed to do. And so what I would say is there are sometimes things called a coalition, and maybe it's the inner critic is fighting with the task master or something like that, or, you know, you have a couple of different voices going on.

[00:39:03] What I would say is start with the one that's the loudest. Just start with the one that's, that's really the loudest and getting your attention. And what you can do is you can also say, alright, I'm gonna work with this part. You may not even know what it is. You may not even know to call it the judge, and that's okay.

[00:39:20] That's okay. Just say like, to yourself in your mind or out loud, whatever you wanna do. It's like, I'm gonna work with this one voice. If everybody could just everybody else, then I'm hearing if everybody could just, you know, pause for a minute, step outside, go into the other room. Let me just work with this one voice for now.

[00:39:37] And that's the self coming through. And that's, and that's a, a really great example of the self coming through. Like, alright, alright everybody, I hear you. I hear you're all in there and it's almost like you're talking to a group of kids. You know, why don't you guys go focus on this one thing. Go, go sit in the other room.

[00:39:52] I'm gonna get to you in a minute. But I really gotta take care of this one. You know, I really gotta focus on this one right now. And just giving yourself that space, giving yourself that pause, giving yourself that compassion that it's okay. It gets loud in there sometimes. It really does. So which one is calling for your attention the most?

[00:40:12] Chandler Stroud: Okay, I'll remember that. Which one is calling for my attention the most? This is very helpful. I mean, I feel like I need to, I've been told so many times I gotta go check out the inside Out movies. I feel like that is a good way to bring a lot of what you're talking about to life. 

[00:40:26] Cait DeMello: Yeah. Very similar like that.

[00:40:28] That's a little more emotion based for sure. But yes, it's, it's a great way to see it personified that there're like different people pulling different levers. 

[00:40:37] Chandler Stroud: Okay. Okay. Yeah. This is so helpful. It also explains why I'm so exhausted all the time. I got a lot of parts like working full-time around the clock.

[00:40:48] I mean, the task master, the saboteur, the judger, the like. It's just, I mean, people pleasing, you name it. I literally saw myself in all of those. So, you know, I've got a lot of conversations to be had. Clearly. Yeah. 

[00:41:03] Cait DeMello: And, and remember there may be overlap in some of them. You know, it, there may be a part that's just showing up a couple of different ways or whatever.

[00:41:10] But what I would really, really encourage everyone is if that did feel like a lot if you're like, oh my God, there are so many full, be gentle with yourself. The whole point and purpose of this is to reestablish trust, to be gentle with yourself and to know that these were just formed to protect you, and they need to understand from a loving perspective that they don't need to protect you anymore because you can handle it.

[00:41:36] Chandler Stroud: That's, I think, the perfect way to end our conversation today. Cait, thank you so much for being here and for opening our eyes to this entire world of inner parts. But I have to admit, I kind of wanna start calling them inner protectors just because like that way I can remember what they're really trying to do, and I think it's just so helpful, the advice you're providing everyone, and it's so accessible, right?

[00:42:02] It's just about getting curious and stopping and asking yourself. What's there? What's your purpose? Like, what are you, what are you trying to do for me right now? And not judge it as we're so off quick to do for ourselves. So I really loved the conversation and I'm really gonna try and practice this on my own at home.

[00:42:20] Cait DeMello: I love that. Super simple, super simple name notice, acknowledge, name, notice, 

[00:42:25] Chandler Stroud: acknowledge. 

[00:42:26] Cait DeMello: As always, I just love these conversations, so it's great to see you again, Chandler. 

[00:42:30] Chandler Stroud: You too. Cait, thank you so much for being here, and to those tuning in. If you enjoyed today's conversation, please share it with friends and don't forget to subscribe.

[00:42:41] You can also visit healing Heroes podcast.com to get resources, meet our heroes, and share your ideas for future episodes. Thanks for listening everyone, and until next time, remember, be curious, be courageous, and be kind to yourself. You've got this.